Loving an Insecure Person

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Hey guys! How’s it going at your end? Trust that you’re doing the best you can. Hang in there, it’ll all be great in the end.

I had planned a different topic to share with you today but this just popped into my head for some reason, and I really don’t know what brought it up. As I like to go with my heart sometimes, let’s talk about this then, shall we?

Loving an insecure person is a very draining and frustrating process. If you do not have a strong sense of self-worth and security yourself, they could suck you right in with them. 

Insecure lovers can be “DEEP” lovers. I mean, they are usually so sweet and overly sensitive and attentive right from the inception of the relationship, but you really wouldn’t mind then.  The many calls and jealousy could seem all cute at first: “Awwh, she loves me”, “Awwh, he doesn’t want to lose me”. Thing is, there’s a big difference between the safe-zone jealous, sensitive , attentive kind of lover and the obsessed, over protective, psycho one, and the danger is not being able to tell early enough. It will shock you to know how many insecure people there are around us. 

Insecure people distrust you, disrespect you, accord you no real value, undermine your intelligence, abilities and overall self-worth. They go from passionate lover to raving lunatic in zero! They accuse you of things seen and unseen; they imagine worst-case scenarios and attach such to you. The worst part of all this is, they truly believe what they think - at least on some mental level. 

The first thing you need to know if you are in such relationship is that, it isn’t about you. These people lack self-awareness. They simply impose their reasoning of things and situations on you. They do not see how someone can truly and wholly fall for them, as they see nothing worth loving in themselves. Hence they think you’re “dumb” in love and must be so in other matters in life.  Then there’s the constant fear that someday (soon) you will come to the realisation of the error in your judgment and leave them. Cue, the fear of abandonment. Abandonment issues are for another day.

A very sad truth is, loving them “harder”( as I’ve heard and seen many people say in an attempt to save their love), can’t heal them. They will continue as they are, till they learn to love themselves and then feel worthy of love from others. Without getting to this stage, they will continue to disbelieve your feelings and affections till (hopefully not) you start to believe the falsehood about your person too. You start to have self-doubt and wonder why this one person whom you have shown and given so much of yourself to the most, would think such untrue things about you. 

Again, if you are in such relationship, please do not give room for such behaviour. Once it starts and you let it slide again and again, at some point, they won’t even bother with apologies or trying to make you see their reasoning of things anymore. They feel they’ve been correct in their assumptions about you, and since you no longer make an argument they feel no guilt in shaming you.

If someone doesn’t know how to love you right, please know it is not your responsibility to endure their shortcomings. I can’t state definitely how they can be helped, so I’ll simply ask that you keep praying for them and encourage them to go for therapy to discuss the underlying issues behind their problems. These issues could be rooted to various things, usually terrible/traumatic pasts in their homes, schools – victims of bullying, terrible heartbreaks etc. Note, that these people are usually really proud people. Most have spent years building walls to cover up and overcompensate for their inadequacies. They can be very “successful” in the society’s measure of success and have great achievements. All these they excel at in order to feel some form of importance. It’s an unhappy, unhealthy way of life, which in due time leads to great depression.

It is my wish that all such victims could really get the help that they need and be healed. Being a victim of an insecure lover, claiming to love them isn’t any way to help them or you. Please save your peace and help them as well.  A song comes to mind as I conclude: Jennifer Hudson’s “Spotlight”; goes to show that this isn’t a rare or uncommon situation. Take a listen when you can.

Do share your thoughts. As always, sending you lots of love and light.